FIRST DATE QUESTIONS: WHAT TO ASK AND WHAT TO AVOID
A first date can feel like a small social test for both people. Ask something too personal too soon and you risk making the other person uncomfortable. Say too little and the evening can quickly turn into long pauses, awkward silence and both of you suddenly becoming fascinated by everything happening elsewhere in the room.
That's especially true when two people have met through a dating app and know very little about each other before meeting in person. Whether you're having coffee in Auckland, meeting for a drink in Wellington or going out for dinner in Christchurch, the basic challenge is the same: how do you get to know someone without making the conversation feel like a job interview?
So what are good questions to ask on a first date, and which topics are better saved for later? Here are some useful conversation ideas, along with subjects that can make a first meeting unnecessarily uncomfortable.
WHAT NOT TO SAY OR ASK ON A FIRST DATE
Whether you're a man or a woman, certain behaviours can make a poor impression almost immediately. Aggression, hostility, racist comments, excessive sexualisation, indifference, arrogance and being overly pushy are unlikely to create the relaxed atmosphere you want on a first date.
A first meeting is primarily about discovering whether you enjoy each other's company. You don't need to learn someone's complete life story in the first hour.
QUESTIONS AND TOPICS TO AVOID ON A FIRST DATE
Childhood trauma and deeply painful experiences. Asking someone you've only just met about traumatic childhood experiences, serious accidents, the death of family members or other painful events can be far too personal. If the other person chooses to bring up something important themselves, that's different. But interrogating them about difficult memories isn't a great way to create an easy first-date atmosphere.
Overly personal questions about hygiene. There are some things you simply don't need to investigate during a first meeting. Personal hygiene questions can easily sound intrusive or judgemental, so unless there's a genuinely relevant reason for the subject to come up, leave it alone.
Ex-partners. Your previous relationships don't need to become the main topic of your first date. Even if a breakup happened recently, avoid spending the evening talking about your ex, explaining exactly why the relationship ended or reminiscing about romantic moments you shared together. It can give the impression that you're still emotionally involved in your previous relationship.
Past relationships will naturally come up eventually if you continue seeing each other. The first hour of your first date probably isn't the moment to provide the director's commentary.
Children and detailed plans for starting a family. It's perfectly reasonable to know whether someone wants children, particularly if you're looking for a serious relationship. But there's a difference between briefly establishing compatibility and spending the first date describing your ideal number of children, their names and where they'll go to school.
If you've only just met, talking as though you're already planning a future family together can make things feel much more serious than they actually are.
Your dream wedding and your future life together. The same applies to detailed conversations about marriage, moving in together, romantic holidays and what your shared home might look like. If you really like someone, it's easy for your imagination to race ahead. Your date doesn't necessarily need a live commentary on that process.
Endless complaints about work. Asking what someone does for a living is completely normal. Turning the entire date into a forty-minute monologue about your terrible manager, annoying colleagues and Monday morning meetings is something else entirely. Mention your job, talk about what you enjoy doing and then move on to something more interesting.
Your complete medical history. Health is important, but a first date doesn't normally need to become a medical consultation. Detailed stories about every scar, injury, hospital visit and physical complaint can wait until you know each other better, unless something is directly relevant to the date or needs to be communicated.
Very intimate questions about sex. Questions about favourite sexual positions, penis size, number of previous partners, sexual performance or specific sexual preferences can feel invasive when you've only just met. If both people are explicitly looking for something casual and the conversation naturally becomes sexual, the situation may be different. Otherwise, intimate questions are usually better left until you've established more trust.
Rants about men or women. Most adults have experienced rejection, heartbreak or disappointing relationships. Turning those experiences into sweeping statements about how “all men” or “all women” behave isn't particularly attractive. Your date isn't responsible for what somebody else did to you.
Heavy questions that feel like an interview. “What is your ultimate purpose in life?” might produce an interesting conversation eventually, but firing philosophical questions at someone one after another can make a relaxed drink feel like an entrance exam. Serious subjects aren't forbidden, but let them arise naturally.
Politics and divisive social issues. You don't have to pretend you have no opinions, and political compatibility may matter to some people. But aggressively debating controversial issues on a first date can turn an otherwise pleasant evening into an argument surprisingly quickly. If the subject comes up naturally, talk about it respectfully rather than trying to win.
GOOD QUESTIONS AND CONVERSATION IDEAS
Neutral, open-ended topics usually work much better at the beginning. Ask about hobbies, sport, pets, food, films, music, travel, childhood memories, school or university experiences, books, art or places they'd like to visit.
You might ask what they normally do on weekends, whether they're a dog or cat person, what kind of food they could happily eat every week, which part of New Zealand they enjoy visiting or what they've been watching lately. These questions are easy to answer but can naturally lead into much more interesting conversations.
Social media can also provide an easy topic, particularly if you didn't originally meet through Instagram or another social platform. Just don't turn the conversation into an investigation of every photograph they've posted since 2014.
Pay attention to what your date actually says and use their answers to continue the conversation. If she mentions hiking, ask about her favourite tracks. If he plays rugby, ask how he got into it. If someone loves travelling around the South Island, find out which places they'd go back to. Good conversations grow from answers rather than from working mechanically through a prepared list of questions.
Look for genuine points of connection. Shared interests give you obvious things to talk about now and potential ideas for future dates later. A mutual love of live music, hiking, food, films, sport or weekend road trips can easily turn into something you might actually want to do together.
At the same time, don't make yourself the centre of every topic. If you're constantly asking what your date thinks of your clothes, appearance, hairstyle, voice or body, the conversation can become exhausting. There's nothing wrong with enjoying a compliment, but you don't need to spend the evening fishing for one.
Compliments work better when they're natural and specific. If you like someone's jacket, say so. If you notice they're fit, asking what sport they do can lead into a real conversation. If they have an unusual hobby, show genuine curiosity rather than immediately redirecting the subject back to yourself.
The most useful first-date skill isn't memorising twenty clever questions. It's paying attention. Listen properly, notice which subjects make the other person light up, don't push topics that clearly make them uncomfortable and allow the conversation to wander a little.
A good first date in New Zealand doesn't need to feel like an interview or a carefully rehearsed performance. Be curious, be polite, keep a sense of humour and give the other person room to speak. If the conversation feels easy and both of you leave wanting to continue it, you've already achieved the most important thing: giving yourselves a reason for a second date.